Thursday, December 30, 2010

This song

This song is really something for me.
This is the song where I could relate.
This song that speaks for my heart and mind.
I hope you now understand

Just Act...

Act like as if nothing happens. Act like as if everything is beautiful. Act like you seems so happy and positive. Act like as if you were not hurt. Act like things are right. Act like you believe of what you hear and have. Act like everything is real. Just Act, this way we could move on from the past.

But how long will I act this way. That everything to me is normal and perfect. I couldn't be somebody or anybody from the past. for I can't bring those all back. Past is far different from the present, and from tomorrow. I couldn't bring back the dead, but could only reminisce. That's how hard it it is.

And from this act we are doing, we are fooling our audience, ourselves. We are making things that is really not in to me, or in to you. Act endlessly until such time it looks normal, like the same old way. But I can't. It's not  my way of forgiving and forgetting.

I can't do anything. But to go along with what you started. You act like as if nothing happened. You act like as if you don't really care. And from the act I am thoroughly hurt. Do you feel the same? The same that I do? If you do, why do you still continue?

And the days passed after the night of 23. Try to act normal again, each days. It is hard, but I am trying. I am trying to be a good actress. L wanted to have our friendship back. For me, we always have that. It never dies. But what L is doing seems so unreal. Seems that each day L's faking everything that being said, that being showed. Why do we have to hide everything?

Instead of doing this acts, why don't we just start again. Let's start a new chapter, instead of going back and do some changes. We are writing this book with no turning backs. Everything is permanent, and the only way is to tear it. I want to start it all over again in this new year to come. But you seems so attached to me and that would be impossible. I want to do the normal things we do as friends. And not acting like normal friends. I want to continue this book, with another good story, so please stop acting this way?

Coz I am tired of waiting for how long it will takes. Distance apart won;'t make things better but worse. It would just lead to a gap between one another. I don't want to happened. You are still special to me. And I treasure you like a gift.

So if you are reading this now, you might have read also my mind. I wanted to move on in a way that none of as go on a distance. I wanted to move on in a way of realizing that things are really better in some way. I want to move on, and not to lose someone else. I want to move on with your help.

But if you couldn't do it, fine. I guess I don't have any choice but to let you. And I don't have any choice but to accept your decision. I'll be fine. Like what you always said. But you do not hear what I really want and do not ask of what is good for me. You decide that as if you really care, but those decisions make things bad to me. Still, thank you. Thank you for your care. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me believe that I am strong.

*The last favor that I would ask, is free your heart from all the boundaries you have created. Those don't protect you from hurt, but do kill you slowly. Even though it's not for me and for someone else. Just listen to what I said.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just understand

December 23, 2010. It is 2 days away from the season. I am very disturbed and bothered of what I feel, of what I think. Sometimes, I blame myself of being so demanding and sensitive. But it is really my fault to be demanding and sensitive to L if the fact says I have the right to feel it? If I could only turn back the days I texted L that message. If I just shut my mouth and tried to be understanding. Ain't I understanding enough? Or L couldn't just see how I tried so hard to control myself and be patient. How hard I tried not to let my tears fall. How hard I tried to be stupid and brave. But I just can't. I exploded. But is it wrong? That my string is pulled and don't know where to hold on?

L asked for space. Space that even me couldn't measure or tell. Why asking for some space? I can't help myself asking what I did wrong? Where did I lack? What I gave much? I hoped that the space wuoldn't end up with separation. For I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept this way of separation without knowing why.

And just this evening, after I went to church, It happened. The space turned into gap between us. I tried to solve it the way I knew. But L already decided for what was the best thing to do. I didn't know what to feel. I had mix emotions of hurt, aloneness, hatred and guilt. As far as I know, I didn't do  anything against us. Or it is really a sin to be out of control. I cried as we talked. I cried for what L did. I wanted to cursed L, but I couldn't. All I did is to understand. Understand L's side, though it really killed my heart.

L just did the best thing for me not to be hurt. Should I call it heroic? But what L just did is the start of my pain. The start of my wounds. I couldn't act the same way we used to be before, for it is totally different. I couldn't act the way L wanted me to do for I am not a good actress, for I am not pretentious. I couldn't be the same person L knew for I changed. From what I feel and what I think. Why L couldn't understand that I am happy of what we have? Or L is just that bad and just broke my happiness? Why L couldn't understand that before I'll be gone, the happiest thoughts will be in my memories?  Those laughs that I didn't do with just anyone. Those sweetness that made me smile every night. Those cookies that we ate together would never be the same in others. That all I want to remember were those. But I wouldn't be possibly be. It is all gone too in due time. Why?

I tried to smile and laugh as what L said; that I could carry on all this hurt. But how? How would I do it, If I already surrender? Half of me felt anger. I was angry of L, for making me stupid of waiting, and worst was falling. I was angry of me, and for another time regret of what I did, of what I said. But what with all those anger if it couldn't fix any. All I could do is be friend of L. Be friend and tried to revive all the times we shared together before this pain came. I tried to return all those memories that being covered of what I feel. Those broken glass that reflected me imperfectly.

*All I want is to collect happy memories with you, before I'll be gone. Why can't you understand?

Monday, December 27, 2010

untitled 2

A couple that lives with in quarrels.
No days of peace and love together.
One word that couldn't understand,
No more together to stand.

Two lovers with no interactions.
No more forums, no conversations,
And in just one fight,
No need for further explanations

Two best friends found arguing.
Angels in front of each other; evils in disguise of one another.
She says something against her,
What a good backstabber.

A husband and wife live peacefully.
But it is just a facade of the truth
The man has another to support;
another family that his too.

In a life of a student in school,
Rules are being posted everywhere
And he still continue doing his little crime,
And only the wind sees the act.

A woman who worked hard for his love.
And the love took advantage of the kind heart.
Showers all his beautiful lies,
Just to grab everything he wants.

the one that all posses
But no one would ever listen
It has been lost from being unfaithful 
of a man who acted so fool.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Chistmas!

Yey! season of christmas is here! Everyone is waiting for this to come, and less than 24 hours from now, we are all celebrating it. Kds are excited to open their gifts from santa. couples are attending mass together. families have their own reunions. friends singing carols. Mothers busy cooking for their foods. Everyone is really that prepared. But  the highlight of this season isn't about gifts and santa, but about the Birth of Jesus. Also, it's about giving love and forgiveness to others.

Christmas for me is very important. It's the season of giving, season of happiness. Season of get-together, season of love and care. Its the only season that making a nation one united. Anyway, I am really bothered this Christmas for I am trying to move on from this hurt i have. I trying to be happy and act as if everything is positive. Its the best way to do. Life must go on and this problem should not stop me from being happy.

Same with the families who are facing great pain in their heart; lost a loved one, being separated, or victim of a disaster. Christmas isn't about the foods you prepare, the gifts you give or the liquor you drink. Its about how you celebrate the birth of our Savior. Don't let problems eat you and lose your spirit of the season. No matter how hard to accept those tragedies in life, you have to. It's His challenge to us. Acceptance. Though it's so hard, you really have to if you wanna see the light in you.

Merry Christmas to everyone. Have a great Christmas!


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Just wait....

December 22, 2010, 2:07 am 3 days before Christmas and I am still awake.
What am I doing? Nothing. I am just waiting for my phone to buzz. I am waiting for someone's text though i know it is very impossible now. This someone is maybe asleep, flying together with clouds, am i in that dream?

I don't know why I lasted this late just for a buzz from this someone? (Let's just call my someone as L). It's not my thing to wait for so many hours. It isn't my thing to have this long patience, but only to L. I am asking myself why I am this hopeful. There's nothing wrong for being hopeful, but not in something that you actually know it will never happen. I know L is asleep now. I know the fact that L forget to drop calls or texts. and the fact that another words from L is broken. But those are nothing. I am still waiting.

Though I am fooling myself that L will pick up the phone, I still try to dial L's number. Stupidity? I guess I am not stupid. I am just this patient. I am pissed. I admit. But I can't do anything but to calm down and try to understand. Understand the every single thing that I could consider now. L has lots of overnights and parties to come, so that does mean I also have lots of night to stay this late and wait?

I am not feeling well right now. Head aches due to clogged nose and my UTI strikes again. And I still choose to stay up so late for L. I don't want to miss every chances of contact we will ever had, but why things seems so unfair. It's not good.

Should I get jealous in all L's get aways? I don' think it's right. I will be so unfair and selfish. But what should I suppose to do and feel? Be supportive? Go to the road where L is happy and I am not? Or wait till L get back? But would that deserve the every tics of the clock? In waiting? Waiting for nothing? for another failing?

I don't want to start a fight. I am trying to be so understanding. I am trying to extend it. How long can i do it? I don't want any conflicts that's why I write it all here. So It wouldn;t be so hard for me to carry all those questions in my mind.

I know L cares for me. I know L is happy with me. I know it all. But I can't help thinking much in times like this. 

Am i tired of waiting? If I am, I guess I won't be able to stay this late. I don't know how long. I don't want to be martyr. I am just doing this because arguments will make things worst, and i don't want that to happen.

I will patiently waiting.....but not forever. I know there will be an end.

*I want to hear a good explanation and promise of paying all L's mistakes, but i guess it will be useless if the same faults will happen again. So i guess i won't ask for any. Not anymore. 

*No more explanations and excuses, no more promises, no more apologies.

*I'll just agree, saying "alright" with all the explanations you'll throw. Just that.


Last month of the year and the first month of the second semester.
For the whole month I didn't post any except for this. Well I was busy before the christmas break comes. We had lots of things to do that pushed me into pressure and almost crashed.
Subjects are all know different even the pressure to me. Maybe this is really what COLLEGE is all about. No pattern to follow but your own analysis in order to survive.

but now the christmas break is in, I can now relax and for a while, free myself from diff stress.

Malling here, chatting there. It's one way to relax. And i think i am doing it.
But the best way to relax is to free your mind from so many things to think about. Set aside those projects first and enjoy the Christmas with the family.

Happy Holidays