Thursday, December 30, 2010

This song


This song is really something for me.
This is the song where I could relate.
This song that speaks for my heart and mind.
I hope you now understand

Just Act...

Act like as if nothing happens. Act like as if everything is beautiful. Act like you seems so happy and positive. Act like as if you were not hurt. Act like things are right. Act like you believe of what you hear and have. Act like everything is real. Just Act, this way we could move on from the past.


But how long will I act this way. That everything to me is normal and perfect. I couldn't be somebody or anybody from the past. for I can't bring those all back. Past is far different from the present, and from tomorrow. I couldn't bring back the dead, but could only reminisce. That's how hard it it is.

And from this act we are doing, we are fooling our audience, ourselves. We are making things that is really not in to me, or in to you. Act endlessly until such time it looks normal, like the same old way. But I can't. It's not  my way of forgiving and forgetting.

I can't do anything. But to go along with what you started. You act like as if nothing happened. You act like as if you don't really care. And from the act I am thoroughly hurt. Do you feel the same? The same that I do? If you do, why do you still continue?

And the days passed after the night of 23. Try to act normal again, each days. It is hard, but I am trying. I am trying to be a good actress. L wanted to have our friendship back. For me, we always have that. It never dies. But what L is doing seems so unreal. Seems that each day L's faking everything that being said, that being showed. Why do we have to hide everything?

Instead of doing this acts, why don't we just start again. Let's start a new chapter, instead of going back and do some changes. We are writing this book with no turning backs. Everything is permanent, and the only way is to tear it. I want to start it all over again in this new year to come. But you seems so attached to me and that would be impossible. I want to do the normal things we do as friends. And not acting like normal friends. I want to continue this book, with another good story, so please stop acting this way?

Coz I am tired of waiting for how long it will takes. Distance apart won;'t make things better but worse. It would just lead to a gap between one another. I don't want to happened. You are still special to me. And I treasure you like a gift.

So if you are reading this now, you might have read also my mind. I wanted to move on in a way that none of as go on a distance. I wanted to move on in a way of realizing that things are really better in some way. I want to move on, and not to lose someone else. I want to move on with your help.

But if you couldn't do it, fine. I guess I don't have any choice but to let you. And I don't have any choice but to accept your decision. I'll be fine. Like what you always said. But you do not hear what I really want and do not ask of what is good for me. You decide that as if you really care, but those decisions make things bad to me. Still, thank you. Thank you for your care. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making me believe that I am strong.


*The last favor that I would ask, is free your heart from all the boundaries you have created. Those don't protect you from hurt, but do kill you slowly. Even though it's not for me and for someone else. Just listen to what I said.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just understand

December 23, 2010. It is 2 days away from the season. I am very disturbed and bothered of what I feel, of what I think. Sometimes, I blame myself of being so demanding and sensitive. But it is really my fault to be demanding and sensitive to L if the fact says I have the right to feel it? If I could only turn back the days I texted L that message. If I just shut my mouth and tried to be understanding. Ain't I understanding enough? Or L couldn't just see how I tried so hard to control myself and be patient. How hard I tried not to let my tears fall. How hard I tried to be stupid and brave. But I just can't. I exploded. But is it wrong? That my string is pulled and don't know where to hold on?

L asked for space. Space that even me couldn't measure or tell. Why asking for some space? I can't help myself asking what I did wrong? Where did I lack? What I gave much? I hoped that the space wuoldn't end up with separation. For I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept this way of separation without knowing why.

And just this evening, after I went to church, It happened. The space turned into gap between us. I tried to solve it the way I knew. But L already decided for what was the best thing to do. I didn't know what to feel. I had mix emotions of hurt, aloneness, hatred and guilt. As far as I know, I didn't do  anything against us. Or it is really a sin to be out of control. I cried as we talked. I cried for what L did. I wanted to cursed L, but I couldn't. All I did is to understand. Understand L's side, though it really killed my heart.

L just did the best thing for me not to be hurt. Should I call it heroic? But what L just did is the start of my pain. The start of my wounds. I couldn't act the same way we used to be before, for it is totally different. I couldn't act the way L wanted me to do for I am not a good actress, for I am not pretentious. I couldn't be the same person L knew for I changed. From what I feel and what I think. Why L couldn't understand that I am happy of what we have? Or L is just that bad and just broke my happiness? Why L couldn't understand that before I'll be gone, the happiest thoughts will be in my memories?  Those laughs that I didn't do with just anyone. Those sweetness that made me smile every night. Those cookies that we ate together would never be the same in others. That all I want to remember were those. But I wouldn't be possibly be. It is all gone too in due time. Why?

I tried to smile and laugh as what L said; that I could carry on all this hurt. But how? How would I do it, If I already surrender? Half of me felt anger. I was angry of L, for making me stupid of waiting, and worst was falling. I was angry of me, and for another time regret of what I did, of what I said. But what with all those anger if it couldn't fix any. All I could do is be friend of L. Be friend and tried to revive all the times we shared together before this pain came. I tried to return all those memories that being covered of what I feel. Those broken glass that reflected me imperfectly.

*All I want is to collect happy memories with you, before I'll be gone. Why can't you understand?

Monday, December 27, 2010

untitled 2



Misunderstanding
A couple that lives with in quarrels.
No days of peace and love together.
One word that couldn't understand,
No more together to stand.


Miscommunication
Two lovers with no interactions.
No more forums, no conversations,
And in just one fight,
No need for further explanations


Backstabbing
Two best friends found arguing.
Angels in front of each other; evils in disguise of one another.
She says something against her,
What a good backstabber.


Disloyalty
A husband and wife live peacefully.
But it is just a facade of the truth
The man has another to support;
another family that his too.


Disobedience
In a life of a student in school,
Rules are being posted everywhere
And he still continue doing his little crime,
And only the wind sees the act.


Dishonesty
A woman who worked hard for his love.
And the love took advantage of the kind heart.
Showers all his beautiful lies,
Just to grab everything he wants.


Conscience
the one that all posses
But no one would ever listen
It has been lost from being unfaithful 
of a man who acted so fool.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Chistmas!



Yey! season of christmas is here! Everyone is waiting for this to come, and less than 24 hours from now, we are all celebrating it. Kds are excited to open their gifts from santa. couples are attending mass together. families have their own reunions. friends singing carols. Mothers busy cooking for their foods. Everyone is really that prepared. But  the highlight of this season isn't about gifts and santa, but about the Birth of Jesus. Also, it's about giving love and forgiveness to others.

Christmas for me is very important. It's the season of giving, season of happiness. Season of get-together, season of love and care. Its the only season that making a nation one united. Anyway, I am really bothered this Christmas for I am trying to move on from this hurt i have. I trying to be happy and act as if everything is positive. Its the best way to do. Life must go on and this problem should not stop me from being happy.

Same with the families who are facing great pain in their heart; lost a loved one, being separated, or victim of a disaster. Christmas isn't about the foods you prepare, the gifts you give or the liquor you drink. Its about how you celebrate the birth of our Savior. Don't let problems eat you and lose your spirit of the season. No matter how hard to accept those tragedies in life, you have to. It's His challenge to us. Acceptance. Though it's so hard, you really have to if you wanna see the light in you.

Merry Christmas to everyone. Have a great Christmas!

-aichiniboo

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Just wait....

December 22, 2010, 2:07 am 3 days before Christmas and I am still awake.
What am I doing? Nothing. I am just waiting for my phone to buzz. I am waiting for someone's text though i know it is very impossible now. This someone is maybe asleep, flying together with clouds, am i in that dream?

I don't know why I lasted this late just for a buzz from this someone? (Let's just call my someone as L). It's not my thing to wait for so many hours. It isn't my thing to have this long patience, but only to L. I am asking myself why I am this hopeful. There's nothing wrong for being hopeful, but not in something that you actually know it will never happen. I know L is asleep now. I know the fact that L forget to drop calls or texts. and the fact that another words from L is broken. But those are nothing. I am still waiting.

Though I am fooling myself that L will pick up the phone, I still try to dial L's number. Stupidity? I guess I am not stupid. I am just this patient. I am pissed. I admit. But I can't do anything but to calm down and try to understand. Understand the every single thing that I could consider now. L has lots of overnights and parties to come, so that does mean I also have lots of night to stay this late and wait?

I am not feeling well right now. Head aches due to clogged nose and my UTI strikes again. And I still choose to stay up so late for L. I don't want to miss every chances of contact we will ever had, but why things seems so unfair. It's not good.

Should I get jealous in all L's get aways? I don' think it's right. I will be so unfair and selfish. But what should I suppose to do and feel? Be supportive? Go to the road where L is happy and I am not? Or wait till L get back? But would that deserve the every tics of the clock? In waiting? Waiting for nothing? for another failing?

I don't want to start a fight. I am trying to be so understanding. I am trying to extend it. How long can i do it? I don't want any conflicts that's why I write it all here. So It wouldn;t be so hard for me to carry all those questions in my mind.

I know L cares for me. I know L is happy with me. I know it all. But I can't help thinking much in times like this. 

Am i tired of waiting? If I am, I guess I won't be able to stay this late. I don't know how long. I don't want to be martyr. I am just doing this because arguments will make things worst, and i don't want that to happen.

I will patiently waiting.....but not forever. I know there will be an end.

*I want to hear a good explanation and promise of paying all L's mistakes, but i guess it will be useless if the same faults will happen again. So i guess i won't ask for any. Not anymore. 

*No more explanations and excuses, no more promises, no more apologies.

*I'll just agree, saying "alright" with all the explanations you'll throw. Just that.

December

Last month of the year and the first month of the second semester.
For the whole month I didn't post any except for this. Well I was busy before the christmas break comes. We had lots of things to do that pushed me into pressure and almost crashed.
Subjects are all know different even the pressure to me. Maybe this is really what COLLEGE is all about. No pattern to follow but your own analysis in order to survive.

but now the christmas break is in, I can now relax and for a while, free myself from diff stress.

Malling here, chatting there. It's one way to relax. And i think i am doing it.
But the best way to relax is to free your mind from so many things to think about. Set aside those projects first and enjoy the Christmas with the family.

Happy Holidays

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Reincarnation



I want to be the tress
that could shade you when it's too sunny,
that could cover you when it's too rainy.
Trees that are so green, and hug you by the wind.

I want to be the flowers.
I'll smile to you every morning.
I'll bloom each day to see your pretty face.
I am the sweetest present you would ever get.

I want to be the birds outside your window.
Chirping, singing, to ease your sorrow.
I'll sway, I'll dance just to make you laugh,
I'll do everything for you not to frown.

I want to be the fish in the aquarium,
and witness your everyday momentum.
I'll watch you sleep every night,
though you can't hug me so tight.

I want to be you dog,
your one and only bestfriend.
I'll be so loyal and obedient.
I would be your forever soldier.

If I would die one day
and could have another chance to be with you,
I would be everything I want,
even though I may not be the same man.

And the best thing that I would ever be,
is to be the sun, follows you all the way,
I would brighten up all day,
just never lose hope when it rains.

And if I am in heaven with the angels,
no chance to be like someone else,
I want to be beside God
and tell Him how great you are!

What could it be?



Every single thing is different
No assurance of what would be the end.
And we never ever intended,
the confusions in ours that heart lent.

Words seems to be real
but I couldn't do something to reveal.
Reveal what I really feel
because it is so hard;  no choice but to conceal.

Our talks, our hugs, our moments,
those that we shared together.
So beautiful, my day got better,
But fate is playful, we couldn't be forever.

And so confusion gone deeper,
But when I am with you problems never stay longer
your smiles, your laughs, and all!
What is confusion, if my heart tells, "I love you so..."

but I never stop though it might be a lie
for my heart to you is already tied.
You said, "Act like a soldier"
I did, I fight for this love but not to surrender.

It is so hard to predict
the situation like this.
Should I accept this and be contented?
This love for you is complicated

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What Happened?



"Tik! Tok! Tik! Tok!,"
sounds like the beat of the clock
beating so loud,
and makes my heart pound

It is 3:00 in the morning,
I wonder what's this feeling,
So heavy, so hard to move,
Seems that my body is tied with rope

And so the moon turns to red
and the place become so gloomy.
It is very creepy, I am afraid
and someone is coming this late

"Bee! Booh! Baahh!!!"
he used to make that noise
"Booh! Baahh! EEEKK!!"
I am shaking, I am freaking!

A big scary  man, he's coming
and my heart nervously pounding.
I wanted to take away my eyes off him
But I could't, I am to terrified by him.

He's hands are big,with a knife on his left
He's head is bleeding,
An ax stocked on his temple

An I screamed so loud,
but I couldn't make a sound
And my tears started to fall
I cried for help but no one hears me at all

He's now in front of me,
His face is very scary.
His eyes are red, teeth are black.
Please! Can anyone take me back?

I see my body bleeding,
His knife is on my chest.
He's killing me! Is it my end?
I don't wanna die yet

I cried a river not because of hurt
I cried because I fear of death.
His demonic laugh continues
I feel helpless, Am I in hell?



"Tik! Tok! Tik! Tok!,"
I wake up in the beat of the clock
My heart is pounding so fast,
I am sweating so hard...
"What happened last night?"


Friday, October 22, 2010

Your Angel



The darkest days in your heart,
completed by sadness and loneliness is your eyes.
Every tic's of the clock you tried t hide,
Hide - in the reality that everyone is gone

You are covered with shadows
alone in the corner of your room,
You see life useless, worthless and meaningless
without the one you love, totally lifeless.

"Oh Lord, why am I alone?" you asked.
"I am weak and hopeless," you cried.
And the world seems so cruel for you,
it slowly eats your hopes,

No more reason why for you to continue living,
couldn't find why you are still existing.
So sick of this gloomy days, it mus be end
because you are so wounded, it's time to rest.

And you open your doors, you are now ready to surrender,
but someone came, your angel.
Her words lift you up,
her words mend your broken heart.
She put it back to pieces,
and brighten up your day.

In the middle of your grief,
She was just watching, crying and praying,
hoping that you will wake up from the bad dream.
Now you have seen her, and she is part of your life,
it's gives you a good reason why
to continue life, to live and to love,
but she is not the answer but just a guide,
and the answers only lies inside your wounded heart...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Ginhawang Hatid

YEAH!


After 5 months in school, 2 weeks vacation is more than enough for me to experience the normal life of a teenager that I missed and longed for. :D

Nakalimutan ko ng maging isang normal na 17 years old.
Super focus na sa assignments, exams, projects
Kokonti na lang ang oras para sa sarili, lahat sa studies
Wala ng TV
Konting oras ng FB
Wala ng CP, ni mag UNLI di na rin
Maraming oras ng tawanan pero kasabay pa rin ng pagaaral
Wala ng sapat na tulog, magawa lng ang dapat na gawin para bukas...
marami pa yan...

nakakapagod noh..

PERO HINDI NA NGAYON...

Tapos n ang mga araw n walang tulog at tanging computer lng ang kaharap.
Tapos na ang mga araw na hindi halos tama ang kinakain dahil sa mga projects.
Tapos n ang mga araw ng tampuhan namin ng kama ko, dahil muli n akong umuwi at natulog sa kanya.
Tapos n ang mga araw na pag hihintay sa akin ng aso ko na bumati sa kanya tuwing uuwi sila mama na hindi ako kasma.
Wala ng dahilan pa para muling tigyawatin at lumaki png muli ang eye-bags
Wala ng exams na po-problemahin kada araw na gigising ako.
Wala ng quizzes na pahirapan pang manghingi at maghanap ng papel.
Wala ng tatakbo sa hallway para hindi malate.
Lalagpas na sa 4 hours ang tulog ko ngayun.
Makakanood n ako ulit ng mga gusto kong palabas.
Makakapag laro, makaka gala kasma ang kaibigan
Wala ng pagod n talagang magpapabagsak sayo sa kama.
Wala ng mag-jaywalk araw araw para lng makatawid at kumain
Tapos na sa pagtulog sa kalagitnaan ng subject dahil boring.
Makakagala na ng walang iniintinding assignment, exam, project o quiz kinabukasan

This sembreak is really for the deserving students who really worked  hard just to passed, finished, and learn much this sem. Let's Enjoy this break and be ready for the more challenging and difficult sem. GB

Monday, September 27, 2010

After 3 months...

After 3 months away from pen and paper,

and 3 months away from wild imagination

I am now ready to write again new posts...

I am ready to draft new articles and poems.

 

After my last entry, "The last poems,"

I had freed my mind from all depression no more chaos.

And at those moments that I wasn't writing,

Many things i experienced,so inspiring.



 
I know now how to cry and value things

however small it is or big.

I know now how to see and read people

without them telling their names.

 

Though I stopped once, I never stopped learning

Though I throwed my imagination, I never forget thinking.

I might forget things I newly learned,

but never to my old habit and passion - writing!



Pepole won't like my post, or will

They are not considered as someone to fear

Though they judge me bad or good,

They read my stroies but never the whole.


So never stopped just to have change.

Try to innovate and make some difference

Life goes on and you must grow,

You must learn from the past you tried to throw

Monday, July 26, 2010

Title: The Last Poem







The Last Poems



Preface


May 27, 2009, I wrote this poem not with paper and pen,
but with my poetic heart and our love.
This is the book of our love, only you and me.

Acknowledgment


I would dedicate this to you, to our past,
And to our love that didn’t last.
It would be the last poems I will write.
Thank you for being the inspiration of my desire.
Thank you for your words though I rarely hear,
Thank you for the time you spent,
Thank you for completing me, though you are not here,
Thank you for being with me, a year you lent.
It is all for you and for your love so true.

Chapter 1: May 2009


I met this guy, totally stranger,
But I didn’t even mind what would be the danger.
And in love we were hungry.
It started in the meeting of the fingers.

The chill started from my skin,
As I heard you whisper in my ears.
It deeply went down, but I didn’t mind,
Because it was just a game, a good deal.

Can you be mine?” you asked.
I was totally puzzled, totally out.
Yes,” I responded, but I could even say loud.
The game was officially started, no rules, no bounds.

Chapter 2: June 2009


No serious emotions between us.
I love you,” with no sincerity,
I miss you,” with no loyalty.
No one cared; it was just a good play.

Days passed, and became week,
I said the same “Yes to someone.
I loved him more than you,
And you should not know.

Chapter 3: July 2009


My heart and mind were not with you.
I lent it to other guy, who was mine too.
I didn’t consider you, not even a single moment.
I knew you did the same, didn’t you?

We had a communication, and the lie continued.
We were fooling ourselves, making a fling,
Because we were busy on other things.
And the act went far, and no one even tried to watch.

Chapter 4: August 2009


There were no months that you forgot,
You greeted me, I did the same but I never meant.
I didn’t heed about those,
Because you were not the one I was afraid to lose.

But why was I still hanging in the air?
I was longing for the one I wished to stay.
I prayed that he would be here in my arms,
But the angels above didn’t hear me,
I had two lovers, yet still alone in the sky.

Chapter 5: September 2009


I felt the heaven in the touch of his hands,
But soon I lived in hell as he left my heart.
We broke up and I hunger again in love,
And I never thought you would feed me much.

I never thought that there still one, who stayed,
And I was stupid, I realized it so late.
I was blinded with his shadow,
And now that he was gone,
I saw the light in your side.

But why our fate was so unfair,
It gave you but never gave me a chance to see you again,
You lived in the other side of my world,
Would you still be there?

Chapter 6: October 2009


And so I was attached only to you,
We had more time for each other.
I heard your voice and your words again,
Spiced up with your sweetness and care.

I remembered that I was sick before.
You never stopped buzzing my phone.
You always asked of my condition,
And got mad if I didn’t do your advice medication.

You acted like my cardiologist,
You cured my heart and put the pain to least.
You became my medicine,
That mended, cherished and lifted me.

Chapter 7: November 2009


Another month came,
No new things in me, I was lame.
For once I almost forgot about your existence,
And no big deal to me, no hurt, no pain.

My world seemed so indifferent,
My heart tried to harden itself.
Tried to be as hard as a rock,
Closed all possible emotions and infatuations.

Chapter 8: December 2009


Oh, my December, a month of love and thanks.
Children caroled outside the gate.
All were happy for the season to came,
But I left alone without any excitement.

All I wanted was to have a rest
From all the pain and hurt.
And to those that I had hurt and played
--I should stop and changed.

And oh my December would end,
But what was this? You were here again.
You had decided yourself to share the next years with me,
You wanted this game to be a serious relationship.



December 27, 2009, the marked date for us.
No more flings in both sides.
We vowed to be honest, to be loyal and to be open.
But to change myself was so hard,
And you still offer yourself for my start.

I wasn’t sure of what I entered.
Was I fooling myself with a new lover?
Fear, it was the one that stopped me.
Strength, it was the one I lacked.

I will be patient and understanding,
You said with full of confidence.
Just hold on to me and everything will be okay.

Chapter 9: January 2010


The sun shone after the long rain.
It was so beautiful to see,
I couldn’t help myself to stare.
So many colors to witness as the black clouds faded,
Such a beautiful rainbow, it should stay.

And yes! Things gone right to us.
You and me with no worries, no problems, no breaks
Just like a good dream that came true.
And the next months to be with you,
Were like years of happiness, I love you.

Chapter 10: February 2010


Love is in the air.
Love has its own mysterious ways.
Love could lead someone to death.
Love could give you a chaotic world.

Love without cruelty wouldn’t have sweetness.
And after all the smiles, it would welcome you to cries.
But your love gave me warmth,
Though I haven’t seen you, not even a glance.

We were literally separated,
By the distance of fate,
But we were one and love that only connected.
No matter what it took,
We kept it stronger.

Chapter 11: March 2010


Every night the moon shone outside my window,
The stars were so bright and beautiful.
Those nights which I wished not to end,
Those nights that I was with you and only for you.

And only in night we planned for tomorrow,
Only in night we didn’t feel any sorrow.
Those nights that almost perfect,
If you were just with me – be mine.

It seemed like I had a good dream.
Though only in voice that I could feel you,
My day and night were still complete.
And before I lay down on my bed,
I love you,” I feel protected.
It kept me safe when I sleep – I grinned.

Chapter 12: April 2010


This was the greatest chapter of the book.
It was the month that I could see you again.
You were on your vacation in our place,
Hope fate wouldn’t play us, I prayed.

And the day came,
I was bit disappointed, but still happy.
You might received such insults,
It was okay, you were still the person I loved.

Your eyes, it was glazing like auroras.
Your nose was as steeped as the mountain.
Your lips that I longing to kiss.
You are so perfect.

I couldn’t get you out of my mind,
And the butterfly in my stomach as I looked in your eyes
Your hair, your smell, everything,
I couldn’t help myself to miss you more each day.

Chapter 13: May 2010


I never thought we’d gone this far.
One year past, but still we were apart.
And it didn’t matter, as long as we were together
And as long as this heart beaten as one

We vowed to be with each other.
Two years, three four, or until forever.
So many plans for the future,
So good to hear like a music in my ears.

What would I ever wished for?
To be with you was more than the contentment I looked for.
I was so happy; I couldn’t even complete my words,
I couldn’t even express it, I got crazy.

I knew you felt the same,
You have those angels that singing in heaven.
Your heart was jumping for joy,
And you couldn’t stand a day without me.

Oh, God is so good, He is the best,
He gave you as the most beautiful gift.
But I wondered why this early?
Were you really for me?

We proved our love for a year, didn’t we?
Or we just last because we were still playing?
Was this happiness really true?
Or just an imitation and fooling us too?

If it was just a mistake, I would rather take it right,
For I love the feeling
I would be stupid, let me have the privilege
I didn’t care it was foolishness, just be min forever.