Sunday, October 25, 2009

In my mind..

(I forgot to post this blog...hihihi..let's just be back in the days of September. I'm sorry readers for confusing of dates..:D)


Things gone too far from me this time. It seems that I'm not with myself. I am not in the right path of happiness. I do encounter, but I guess it's just false one, deceiving me from the right one. I also feel like I'm fooling myself, I am trying to believe that I still have the one I value most though I know my hands aren't holding anything. Still believing that you want to stay long, but the truth is , you want to be free. Honestly, I know what is really happening. I can feel what you feel right now. But then, I don't want to believe those stuffs, for In know it will hurt me. I know that keeping myself away from truth is more painful, but try to think of it; Sometimes, Fooling yourself helps you to lessen the pain. Besides, its the only way I know to smile everyday. It's the only thing I know for me not to lose hope and still look on things positively. I know it's definitely wrong, but you can't blame me of doing it, because you don't help me to carry all it out, this burden you cause. "You are not here, anyway."

Recently, I meet my dearest bestfriend. I tell her everything I feel, from admiration to frustration of you. She really insist that I should not contact you much for she thinks that you'll be irritated if I do much of it. But I think, it's never a sin to keep in touch of you. Besides, I am in the position to be updated about you. Moreover, she tells me that I shouldn't love you deeply. I am not! It's just that, I don't want the things or person that I value most will be gone, leaving me alone. I am selfish. Like what I used to tell everyone:

"Ayaw kong mawala ang mga bagay na nasakin. Ayaw kong inaalis sakin ang mga bagay na nakakasanayan ko, kinukuha ng iba ang pagmamay-ari ko. HIndi ako mapagparaya, hindi ako madaling makahanap ng iba. Gusto ko sakin lang ang bagay/to na ginusto ko."

It really sounds selfish and mean, but then, I 'm telling you once more, I am not deeply in love with you. I just want you, I'm not letting you go, without any good reasons. Yes, Its unfair, but do you feel the unfairness when you don't give any in return to me? Any love or even attention? You lack there. I don't want to nag much, I just need clarity from you. And that's it!

Actually, I'm getting used to lie everyday without you or your existence. Without your voice that welcoming me. But the last time I see you, the things I'm getting used with are all gone in just a snap, and being replaced by you. My blues becomes happiness. and now, now that you're not here again, it's hard for me to do the same old routine again coz I am again, longing for what you let me feel; Love and attention. Maybe, it's easy for my friend to say,

"Masanay ka na wala siya, at pag-bumalik, matuwa ka. Pag umalis muli, masanay ka ulit..."

but, I don't know how to start again. I don't know where to begin without hoping of your return.

Now it's clear that I'm just hoping, waiting and insisting of someone who never knew at all. Waiting for nothing; hoping for impossible; and wishing for unreal. My foolishness now yields something. It yields into what I'm avoiding of, PAIN.

"Truth or Lie? Both sound painful, isn't it? Truth is painful as it revealed. Lie hurts as you start to pretend, but still, it bring smile in your face in the beginning."

At this very moment, I don't want to lose you yet, not now or even tomorrow. I don't want you in the arms of others. However, I don't want to hurt myself. Though it's not easy to keep wide distance away from you, I'll do it. Just so, I can know my worth, I can test your love, I can start moving on, I can think more, I can get used to it again, and I can stop hurting and fooling myself.

"I love you, but I love myself more."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Adopt a family - Giving a hand (Community Service)

October 10, 2009

For some reason, using the 5 hours of your day with some strangers is a big stupidity. Like we think that giving such time for them is the dumbest thing a man could do. However, their appreciation to your effort is different from your disappointment. The time you spend for them; that they laugh, they share stories, they forget their problems for a while, it is a big thing or i mean a big deal for them, especially, when that time you spend you help them with their lives, though not for long time, even for just a day, you help them.

With the same thing happened to me as well as with my classmates, we were having a community service. Well, at first, I were thinking that this was just for my grade, like I would show care and compassionate to the family though it wasn't my thing. That gone to places that were scuzzy were fine with me. but, when my teacher told me the situation of the family, all those negative thoughts were fade away. Instead of thinking on how am i going to interact with people who really opposite of my life, i thought of the things that we could actually give them for them to feel happy. Well, some goods, old clothes, hygiene stuffs and other.

When we were on the place, I felt no doubt on how poor the familes there, how much more our family? This family that had 10 children ages from 3 to 19 and a single parent, their mother. They live on a small spaced house that was being destructed by the last typhoon, ondoy. Their mother should work twice as hard as before just to earn money for their house and for their daily needs. The kids that were still studying, that it was so hard for them to study for there was no light nor big enough space for them to study. They were the ones who did the chores/ Instead of playing and enjoying life as a kid, it seemed that it was being buried and being replaced by adult responsiblity.

I'd interview one of the kids, Judy Anne. A 10 -year old girl in fourth grade who knew every single thing inside the house. She told me that she loves to read and she wanted to be a nurse. In that simple dream from a girl,I knew it would be a great inspiration for her to do better in school. Despite of being poor, she still wanted to study. Also, in that young age, she understood her mother's situation everyday. She understood that her mom was doing everything just for her and her siblings.

Before the service ended, we present them the stuffs we had. We let them open each boxes and plastics we got. The kids love the stuff toys as well as the goods. 'Nanay' and the kds was very happy to see the milk, can goods, noodles, detergents, bath soap etc. They also loved the clothes and shoes we gave. Nanay keeps on saying "Kahit ano man ito, pinapasalamatan ko na kayo sa tulong na ibinigay ninyo..." We really appreciated her thankful message to us. We were very happy to see them loved the presents we got. All the stress and tiredness I felt were gone, as I saw them happy, as I heard their inspiring stories of life, and so do my classmates.

After the service, my classmates and I realized how lucky we were of having this kind of life. That we should value every single effort our parents gave us. That we should share to others the things we had, like helping them, like what we did.

Like nanay's last message to us...

"Alam kong may plan ang Panginoon sa akin, sa bawat araw na naniniwala ako sa kanya, at hanggang sa pagdating at pagtulong ninyo sa amin. Salamat"